Ways to overcome people pleasing


Becoming aware is only the first step to breaking the pattern of the given behaviour of concern. With increased levels of awareness you can become cognizant of your triggers helping you to identify them and learn more adaptive responses rather than reacting in compulsive behaviours.Do it when you mean it: help someone, be kind, be considerate but only when you really wish to help or perform an act of kindness rather than enacting the behaviour to please, to get approval or feel needed.Learn to set your intentions right: be it a friend calling you to hang out, or a colleague requesting you to help them on another task while you already are engaged in the work that you are doing, set your intention right and foremost. Ask yourself, “do I really feel like going out today?”, “Am I just going out so my friend will be happy and appreciate me more as a friend?”, “How much of my work is left and the amount of time the remainder of work will take before I can complete it by the deadline?”.

         With this little introspection you can get great insights into your own intentions and prevent you from acting out of pleasing people.Become Mindful: learning to become aware of your own thought patterns and compulsive and addictive reactive behaviours can be of great help in exercising control over them. Practicing mindfulness yields numerous mental health benefits.Learn to set Boundaries: boundaries are often an alien concept for many, understanding the concept and realizing personal boundaries is imperative to exercise them with others while respecting the boundaries of other people. One can have boundaries in multiple areas of life such as personal, time, financial, sexuality, physical etc.

         For example, a friend of yours has a habit of teasing you by a name that you don’t like, if say despite you telling your friend that you don’t like being teased by that name, he/ she continues to, it means they are pushing your boundary to accept something you do not like.Learn to become assertive: one can exercise assertiveness by actively saying a direct NO or passively by choosing to not revert to the request immediately or saying that I can get back to you later as I am busy with my own work right now, that is if you do not wish to help or spare your time for someone. However it is important to start small, baby steps, transcending from passive approach to an active one, from excuse of being busy to clearly stating a refusal or from refusing on text to being able to express it in person.Patience, Practice & Persevere, 3Ps: when working on matters pertaining to self, please be reminded “Nothing happens Overnight” hence allow yourself to stay patient with yourself.
         You will make mistakes in the process of changing yourself, we learn through trial and error therefore don’t be afraid of making errors and keep practicing and applying the skills.

         “I get knocked down but I get up again….” Follow this mantra and try until you succeed. With dedication and Perseverance you will achieve the desired change you wish to see.There is a thin line difference between being altruistic and being a people pleaser. While perceived as kind or too helpful or generous by others, people pleaser continue to suffer in silence until one day they emotionally blast out of frustration and resentment. With all their efforts to bringing about smile on other people’s faces, they lead unfulfilled and unhappy lives as they invest all theirs on others, for others. If you feel you may be in the vicious pattern of people pleasing or know someone who maybe, don’t hesitate in reaching out to mental health professional who can help you gain more clarity and control over your life.